SONGWRITING LESSON #1: Avoiding 'Cringe'

Embarrassing yourself for the sake of humanity

“Separate Education” William Allen Rogers

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Occasionally I get asked a question about songwriting; how do I come up with lyrics/melody/concept, who are my inspirations, how much editing do my songs go through? They’re all fine enough questions but I never feel as if the answers can do anyone else any good. Because the answers are always totally individual and if you’re trying to learn about songwriting, well, my approach is only one of many many ways to go. But I love talking about songwriting, I’ve spent many years thinking about it, and critiquing my own writing harshly until I got to a place where I felt I was proud of the work I was making.

To me, the important lessons are about how to have a healthy and productive mindset going into a moment of creativity. And I’m no master, but I feel like I’ve picked up a lot of techniques and advice from people I admire over the years so it feels like maybe something I can pass on.

And I think this answer is a good place to start.

QUESTION: “I’m trying to make songs and, well, everything I write feels cringe!” (I assume this is a kind of way of asking me “how do I avoid feeling cringe?”)

Cringe is a very prevalent stigma in the 2020’s. On the surface it may just seem like new slang way of saying ‘how embarrassing’ but I think it’s a lot deeper. To feel you’re being cringe is a feeling akin to shame, a really deep deep down ‘uncoolness,’ the feeling of eating alone in the school cafeteria. To not want to be seen with. The butt of a cosmic prank that here you are, wanting to sing a song like your heroes, just to realize you’re practically giving your abusers a passage of your diary for free for them to read out in front of the whole party. It’s really dark shit.

Is art really so important to risk feeling this? Yes, of course it is!! So how do you avoid it?

The only way to avoid cringe is to write something which means nothing to you. So with that I say you should NOT avoid cringe!!

Instead, lets work to destigmatize what this feeling is actually telling you about your writing… because more often than not, it’s a sign that you’re getting close to the wound. And when we talk about songwriting —real honest to god songwriting— you WANT to get at the wound, to futz around with it, expose it.

In unpoetic terms:

If you are writing something you think is cringey that probably means that it has something important to you in it and therefore it deserves to be there and deserves to be cringey. It’s always worth writing the thing that makes you nervous cause it means it’s the thing that you’re not sure how it’s gonna be received which means it’s probably the thing you haven’t heard which means it could be the thing that someone needs to hear… because it’s not being said somewhere else.

In other words: if you’re nervous to say it… it’s probably the most interesting thing you have to say… and so be cringe. The worst thing that happens is people who don’t care about you either way think you’re cringe. Y’know?

And to be completely honest— you probably are a little bit. That’s okay! We should all think we’re a bit cringe. It’s a healthy thing for our ego and it’s good to have a healthy ego when you’re going into songs.

(in fairness no kindness in the world has kept me from still feeling embarrassed even in my most praised songs)

So when it does happen just promise not to judge yourself. If you think “agh that was cringey” ask yourself “but was it honest?” if it’s honest and cringey then keep it. It’s good for the world.

If it’s dishonest and cringey then delete it, throw it away, no one needs it.

If it hit you when you wrote it, before you thought about what other people would think when they heard it then keep it.

There’s always a better song you can write after. But finish it, and if you really feel you can’t release it or post it anywhere, then don’t! Keep it for yourself. As Kurt Vonnegut says:

“You will find that you have already been gloriously rewarded for your [art[. You have experienced becoming, learned a lot more about what's inside you, and you have made your soul grow.”

Try that! Or try to get used to the feeling that things will be cringey and that’s okay. There’s actually something really cool, kinda punk, and genuine and important about being cringey right now. Because somehow when there’s so much that we’re being shown, and told, and taught, if you’re still finding something scary, then it must have some new untold truth to you in it… again only if it’s honest, really honest. If it’s dishonest and cringe then it prob sucks.

But if it’s honest. Keep it. Try to make ANOTHER honest and cringy line. Try to make an even better cringey line. Try to embarrass yourself in your lyrics, and feel as exposed as possible. And then show someone you trust. A best friend. Someone that isn’t going to judge you no matter what. Someone you GENUINELY trust. Don’t give it any exclaimers. Except maybe “this is something I made that’s important to me” so they know to listen actively.

No one wants to be a loser. Accepting yourself as you are has never been for the faint of heart. But I think about a story my mom told me. She’s a tax accountant based in the small MA town she grew up in. One of the jock guys in her class came to her for his seasonal tax return and mentioned he’d been thinking about her recently and how he used to think she was some artsy weirdo for listening to David Bowie in the late 70s. And now as an adult he laughs at himself.

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